Godzilla is the king of the monsters, and he’s grown tired of malcontent in his kingdom…
“I’ve just about had it up to here with this bunch of ingrates!”
I take it that you have been made aware that Rodan, Mothra, Anguirus, and Ghidorah have expressed less-than-complimentary sentiments about you and Godzilla: King of The Monsters.
“Those BUMS all had a chance to shine on their own, but even glorious technicolor wasn’t enough to make ’em bigger ’n ME. If MY name isn’t on top of the marquee, butts aren’t filling the seats.”
Isn’t that a bit harsh? Rodan and Mothra are quite popular in their own right.
“I’m box-office gold, baby! I’ve been carrying these clowns for sixty years. Honda knew who his money-maker was. There’s a reason my dorsal plates looks like stars!”
I’ve noticed that your plates look different in the new film.
“Cuz that’s wasn’t even really me! I signed a licensing deal with some Americans. A sweet one too, because it didn’t even require me to be on set. Some nerds said they’d do yadda yadda yadda with computers ’n such with CSI or something like that…”
I think you mean CGI.
“Yeah that’s it! I don’t know much about technology. It frustrates me and I tend to rip it’s head off…”
I would think that you’d be wary of any further dealings with American movie studios after the unfortunate events of 1998.
“I’ve stayed on top for all these years by making smart business decisions, although we all make mistakes… I blame 1998 on my weakness for Taco Bell. Chalupas are #@$% delicious!”
I thought in 1998 they made you look too skinny, and then in 2014 and again in 2019 a bit too fat.
“What—now I’m suppose to feed the world?! I’m a single parent with a child to support.”
So you were satisfied with how Godzilla: King of the Monsters turned out?
“For the most part I was. Plentiful action. Good dialogue. Although, the premise was a bit far-fetched…”
Do you mean the premise of all the monsters fighting for dominance with you coming out on top?
“Oh that part was very much on point, if not underplayed. I suggested a scene in which I would dropkick Mothra into Rodan into Ghidorah into the Sears Tower into a volcano, y’know… for some realism! But the director must not have seen my notes.”
Then what bothered you about the movie?
“The idea that HUMANS could press a pager and that I would come running! ME! I didn’t like it when Hanna Barbera suggested it in 1978 and I hate it just as much now. I go where I want, when I want, at the pace I want, and I swear if Dougherty doesn’t get it right next time…”
…You’ll go to his house and smash it down with your mighty tail and set it ablaze with your devastating atomic breath?
“Heavens no. I’ll get my agent on the phone and kindly GO to another studio who understands me. Sheesh, what do you take me for? Some kind of monster?”
